


you've got troubles (and i've got 'em too)

by avengercarol



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain Marvel (2019), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Comfort No Hurt, F/F, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Not A Fix-It, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 23:50:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19283719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avengercarol/pseuds/avengercarol
Summary: “We’re pretty similar, you know,” Carol started.That got Bucky’s attention. He realized then that he wasn’t actually sure how Carol had joined the team, or where she came from, or where she got her powers. All he knew was that she had showed up, out of nowhere, during the battle and had obliterated a spaceship with her bare hands, then proceeded to nearly take down Thanos on her own. He was impressed.“In what way?” He asked.-In the days following the battle with Thanos, Carol Danvers seeks out Bucky Barnes, and they have a long talk about being turned into weapons, the aftermath of the snap, and falling in love with their best friends.





	you've got troubles (and i've got 'em too)

**Author's Note:**

> Bucky and Carol went through such similar experiences and deserve to be friends. Story set a few days after Steve uses the time machine to go back to the past.

Life after the snap was almost peaceful. It was strange knowing that five years had passed without him being aware of it, but Bucky thought that this passage of time was better than all the decades he had missed prior. At least over the five years he had been gone this time, he was truly gone, just dust in the wind, unlike all the years he had spent getting tortured and abused and brainwashed.

Missing time hadn’t been what was hard about the snap. Sure, it had been hard for the people whose loved ones had vanished into thin air, but for those that perished themselves, it felt like the blink of an eye. 

One moment he was standing on the battlefield in Wakanda, saying Steve’s name as his arm dissolved into ash, and the next his heart was getting torn out of his chest by the very same best friend who had promised him to be there ‘til the end of the line.

The line had ended, but Bucky hadn’t wanted to get off. He would’ve stayed on forever if Steve had been willing.

But, he hadn’t. It was more important for Steve to go back, because five years gone hadn’t changed Bucky, but it sure as hell had changed Steve. Suddenly, lifelong friendships didn’t matter. The only thing that was important was going back to 1948 and getting that dance with a married woman who had moved on. Steve knew she moved on and went back anyway. He had become selfish; there was no other word for it. 

Bucky wanted Steve to be happy, but he never thought his happiness would come at the expense of everyone else’s. 

So, here he sat. Alone. By himself. Because that’s all he could ever be in this new century. There was no one he could relate to. He didn’t have a family, or friends. The closest person he had was Sam, who was great, but they had barely moved past constant bickering when Steve decided to ditch both of them, so it wasn’t like they had suddenly become devoted to one another. Maybe that would come soon, but for now, it was just him.

In the aftermath of the battle with Thanos, the remaining Avengers had managed to salvage a few of the rooms of the Avengers’ compound for the people who had nowhere else to stay, until arrangements could be made. Bucky was there, and he knew he wasn’t alone, but he couldn’t be bothered to figure out who else had stuck around. He mostly stayed to himself in his room or wandered around the forest, thankful for the peace of mind it brought.

On this particular day, he was sitting by the lake, staring out at the horizon. There was a bench nearby, but he preferred to sit on the ground, right by the edge of the water. The bench made him think of the day Steve had turned his back on their friendship for good, and Bucky didn’t want to think about that when he was trying to relax.

However, he knew his relaxation was over when he heard the sound of footsteps walking up from behind him. Turning around, he didn’t initially recognize the person walking toward him. After all, he had only been briefly introduced to Captain Carol Danvers at Stark’s funeral.

“Do you mind if I sit?” Carol asked.

Bucky shook his head, turning back to the lake. Carol continued to walk toward the lake until she was right next to him, then sat down.

The two sat in silence for a few moments. Bucky wasn’t actually sure what he was supposed to say to her, or why she had even bothered to seek him out. He assumed if there was a reason, she would be the one to speak up first.

It didn’t take much longer for her to begin. “We’re pretty similar, you know,” She started.

That got Bucky’s attention. He realized then that he wasn’t actually sure how Carol had joined the team, or where she came from, or where she got her powers. All he knew was that she had showed up, out of nowhere, during the battle and had obliterated a spaceship with her bare hands, then proceeded to nearly take down Thanos on her own. He was impressed.

“In what way?” Bucky asked.

“Well, for starters, we’re both ex-military.”

“Half the team is either still or former military, and they definitely would not consider themselves to be like me in any way,” Bucky replied. “Plus, I don’t think the American army even wants to think about the fact that they’re technically responsible for what happened to me.”

Carol grinned. “Then we have that in common, too. Although, I’m not actually sure if the Air Force knows about what happened to me. I know they spent a lot of time and effort covering it up, though.”

Bucky had no idea what she was talking about. Apparently something had happened to her while she was enlisted that resulted in something happening to her, but he had no clue what. 

“What did they have to cover up, exactly?”

Carol stopped smiling then. She didn’t look upset, but rather like she was expecting it, or had prepared for it. She stared straight ahead as she answered, saying, “Like I said, we’re pretty similar. There was an attack, I was hurt trying to do the right thing and protect someone, then I was kidnapped. At some point I was forced to forget everyone and everything I knew so that the people who stole me could trick me into fighting for them, then I somehow ended up back where I was supposed to be and had a dramatic revelation that I was being lied to only to be convinced of my true identity by the person I most cared about.”

That did make them pretty damn similar. Bucky was a little confused as to how someone could relate so closely to his experiences, especially considering that Carol was seemingly from space and should therefore have lived a completely different life. He figured there were probably some pretty major differences, since Carol had been speaking vaguely about most of the details, but overall, their story was the same.

Maybe he wasn’t so alone after all. Carol sure didn’t seem like she was.

“How did you deal with it all?”

“I had my family with me. I had a girlfriend, Maria, from before everything happened, and she was there. She helped me remember who I was, along with her daughter, Monica. I also had friends who wanted to help me, like Nick,” Carol explained.

“I was assigned to assassinate him,” Bucky, for some godforsaken reason, decided to overexplain.

Carol just looked at him, unimpressed. “Nope, none of that. I was a brainwashed super soldier fighting without knowing what I was doing, too, and I’m not allowing you to try to force me away by saying shit like that. And anyway, he already told me about that whole ordeal when I asked what happened to SHIELD.”

So she had worked with SHIELD, the organization that Peggy Carter founded and had become overrun by Hydra, which Steve had known before he’d gone back to the past and decided to do absolutely nothing about even though he had married- 

Now wasn’t the time to think about that. But there was a question he could ask, that could maybe help. “If you had a family here, why did you leave?”

Carol wasn’t expecting that question. The pain in her eyes as soon as the words left his mouth was evidence of that. She took a deep breathe then said, “After everything that happened with the Skrulls, I felt guilty, like I’m sure you did. I wanted to be able to help them because I had been complicit in everything that had happened to them, even if I didn’t actually know the full story. So, I thought the best thing to do would be to leave Earth, again, to help them find a home. I planned to return once I did that, but it just seemed like every time I finished helping one planet, there’d be another one that needed me. So I stayed in space, until I came back here after the snap.”

Unsure of who or what Skrulls were, Bucky thought about her answer. He was sure she figured out that he was asking because of Steve, but he couldn’t relate what she said to what Steve had done. She left because she didn’t feel she had a choice. She needed to help the people she hurt, it had to be done. Bucky had felt the same way. He knew what it was like to want to atone for crimes that he hadn’t really committed.

Steve didn’t do that though.

As if she could see the turmoil going through his mind, Carol said, “He did care about you. When I first showed up, he told me about everything the two of you had been through.”

“If he cared, he shouldn’t have left,” was Bucky’s immediate reply.

“I left. Does that mean I didn’t care about my family?” 

That question was what made Bucky realize that this conversation wasn’t happening for his benefit alone. Carol had probably spent years wondering what the answer to that question was, feeling like she had abandoned her life and the people most dear to her with no reason. The fact that she was even asking was evidence of her answer, but she obviously wanted to hear it from someone who could relate to her and to the other side of the issue.

“You left so you could save the world. Of course you care about them. I’m sure they know it, too.”

“How are they supposed to know I care if I haven’t seen them in nearly 30 years?” Carol questioned. 

Bucky thought about what she was asking for a second, not entirely sure how to answer. It was one thing to know from his perspective of the situation, but he couldn’t be entirely sure of how Carol’s family would view it. Finally, he told her, “You came back. You came back, and you’re still you. I didn’t know you then, but from what I’ve heard, you left so you could help an entire civilization live their lives in peace, and you came back so you could help the universe do the same. You’re still a good person, when you could’ve changed, and I think that’s what shows that you care.”

“Maybe,” Carol paused. “But I still could’ve visited them at some point. I didn’t need to away for so long. I didn’t need to miss more time than I already had.”

“So why did you?”

“I was scared, and I felt guilty. I didn’t want to get attached to anyone again because I knew how easily it could be taken away. I didn’t want to intrude on their lives any more than I already had because I could only seem to bring trouble and they didn’t deserve that.”

Bucky knew how that felt. It was why he had avoided Steve for as long as he could after pulling him out of the Potomac. He knew how much damage he done to Steve’s body, to his career, and to his image. He didn’t want to make matters worse, especially when he didn’t even know who he was at the start. Once he started to remember, he got as far away as he could. He didn’t want to be found. He wanted to live his life in peace for as long as he possibly could.

He knew Steve didn’t deserve to have to put up with the drama that came with remaining friends with the man who had been the Winter Soldier, but he never, ever thought Steve would prove him right. 

But Carol had an option Bucky no longer had. She could still see Maria and Monica, her family, and let them know how much she cared about them. Carol could tell them that she just wanted to protect them and that she was sorry she took so long. 

“Have you considered finding them and telling them about where you’ve been?”

Carol smiled softly at that, obviously thinking about the family she had found for herself. “Yeah, actually, I’m going to visit Maria tomorrow. She still lives in the same house as all those ago.”

Bucky nodded. 

“I just wanted to make sure I talked to you before I left, because I don’t know if I’m coming back,” she replied.

That was surprising; although, Bucky wasn’t sure what part that word applied to more. The part where Carol was leaving and not coming back, or the part where Carol specifically wanted to talk to him. Probably the latter

“Why did you have to talk to me?” Bucky asked. 

“I had to meet the only other member of the brainwashed, kidnapped, hidden identity until reunited with the love of their life club,” Carol said with a smile. 

Bucky couldn’t help it; he smiled too. “Don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing knowing the membership in the club has doubled since the last time I checked.”

Shrugging, Carol said, “The existence of the club is the bad thing, but it’s always nice to have someone to relate to.”

“I had someone I could relate to, and he left.” 

Up until that moment, Bucky didn’t think he wanted to talk about Steve. He didn’t want to think about Steve. Steve had been a part of life from the time he was a child, and now he was gone, forever. Sure, he wasn’t dead, but he might as well have been. The Steve Bucky had known for his entire life was gone, and all Bucky had left of him was a goodbye consisting of a recycled line from the day before he shipped out and an unreturned “I’ll miss you,” even though Steve wouldn’t see Bucky for seventy years. 

That’s what was fucked up the most in Bucky’s mind. That Steve hadn’t minded that they would be separated for decades, even though he had the power to do something about it. Steve sat back and did nothing as Bucky endured horror after horror because it didn’t fit into his white picket fence lifestyle. 

“I’m not going to try understand why he did what he did, because I don’t think he was right, but I don’t think he wanted to hurt you. I think he wanted you to be happy, and he thought that you’d be able to find that here and now,” Carol said, gently. 

“He didn’t care about me. He didn’t care about any of us. He only cared about himself.”

Carol was silent, not knowing how to respond, so Bucky continued, “Did he ever tell you about Peggy, the woman he went to be with? Did he tell you that she was married in the ‘50s, and that was why he went back to ‘48, before she met her husband? Did he tell you she had kids? That she told him she had a life that she was happy with and wanted him to move on with his? Or that he kissed her niece right after her funeral as Sam and I watched? 

“Steve stopped being himself at some point between the last time I saw him in Wakanda and when I came back to life. I don’t know what happened during those years, but he became a completely different person. He turned a woman he admired into a prize when he could finally get what he wanted. That wasn’t my best friend.”

By the time he finished, Bucky had tears in his eyes. He tried to wipe them away with his sleeve, but they kept falling, as the emotions that had built up since Steve’s departure were finally being released. Carol noticed and scooted closer, placing her hand on his back to comfort him. 

“When I first came back to Earth, we didn’t immediately go after Thanos. It took us a few days to figure out where he was and to plan an attack. I mostly kept to myself because I knew everyone was grieving the people they had lost, and I didn’t really know anyone from the team other than Fury, but I did talk to Steve a few times. He told me that being one of the survivors of the snap felt just like waking up after being in the ice for 70 years, and that everyone he cared about was gone, again. I asked him to tell me about the people he lost, because I’ve learned that actually talking about things can help, and he told me about you. That’s how I knew everything the brainwashing and faked death that made us so similar. 

“I left again after we killed Thanos. I didn’t see a point in sticking around on Earth. Every other planet in the universe had also been affected, and they didn’t have the Avengers there to help them, so I figured I would. I should’ve stayed, maybe then I could’ve helped figure something out to reverse the snap earlier. I didn’t know they weren’t doing anything. Anyway, by the time I came back, something had changed. I talked to him at the funeral, and that was the last I saw of him until he came back as an old man. I don’t know what happened over the years I was off planet, but he seemed off,” Carol explained.

“Nothing happened. He never moved on from the past. He used me as his one connection to his old life, but when he had the opportunity to actually go back, he took the first chance he got,” Bucky replied coldly.

From the first time they had reunited after Bucky began remembering things, when Steve had shown up in his apartment in Romania to warn him about the incoming threats, Bucky had had a thought in the back of his mind that Steve was only helping him because he felt guilty. 

Steve had everything he could ever want in this new century, but he continued to chase after Bucky even when he had made it quite clear he didn’t want to be found. Steve was persistent. Bucky had assumed from the moment he realized Steve was trying to follow him that it was because he felt bad. 

He felt bad that Bucky had been taken as a prisoner of war while he had been off selling bonds. He felt bad that Bucky had suffered in silence for a few years while the serum was taking over his body. He felt bad that Bucky had been blasted off the train after picking up the shield. He felt bad that he hadn’t been able to reach far enough to grab Bucky’s hand before he could fall. He felt bad that he didn’t look for Bucky after he fell. He felt bad that he didn’t ask anyone else to go look for Bucky after he fell. 

Bucky knew Steve blamed himself for what had happened, even if it wasn’t his fault. But then they were reunited, and Steve made it seem like he genuinely cared about Bucky and their friendship. He gave up everything to protect Bucky; his team, his friends, his family, his home, the title of Captain America. 

So, Bucky thought maybe their friendship did mean something to Steve. Maybe it was worth pursuing. Maybe Steve did find some value in Bucky other than just being something he felt guilty over. And Bucky wanted nothing more than to have Steve back. He wanted his best friend in his life. He needed him. 

Then, just when Bucky finally, finally thought they could find a way to be happy, together, in the 21st century, Steve left. He left for good, and he was never coming back. He proved that he only cared about Bucky because he was the one person left from his past life, and he proved it in the cruelest way possible. Because sure, Steve felt bad about what happened to Bucky, but he felt bad about it because he was forced to face it. After the fight on that D.C. highway, Steve was forced to live knowing Bucky was out there after all those years. He was forced to live knowing Bucky had been forced to live. 

But, when he went back to ‘40s, he could ignore that. There was absolutely no sign of Bucky anywhere, and there wouldn’t be, until 2014 when a different Steve Rogers would find him. 

Steve didn’t care about Bucky, not really, he cared about the idea behind Bucky. What Bucky’s mere existence in the future meant about his life in the past. Steve wanted something he could use to pretend he was still living back in ‘45, and Bucky was the most convenient.  
Bucky realized that it had been silent since he last spoke. Carol was gazing out over the lake, obviously having no idea how to reply to his comment. Bucky didn’t blame her for that, he wouldn’t know how to reply either. 

Eventually, Carol said, “I’m not going to pretend to know what he was thinking, but I don’t think there’s any way that he didn’t actually love you in some way. You don’t go through all that for someone unless they mean more to you than everything else. I don’t think he would’ve turned his back on the entire world multiple times for you if he didn’t care about you.”

“He still left when I needed him the most, when the world needed him the most. He deserved to be happy. There was never anything I wanted more than for him to be happy, but I didn’t think it would be like this. I, I told him I would miss him, and he just told me that it would be ok. I don’t know how anything is going to ok ever again,” Bucky replied, feeling the burn in his throat that told him more tears were about to come. 

Again, Carol didn’t reply immediately, but Bucky heard her mumble, “What kinda goodbye is that?”

Something about talking to Carol was so much easier than talking to anyone else. For starters, she wasn’t telling him to be happy for Steve, like everyone else was. She was acknowledging why he did was wrong for everyone involved, including himself. There was also the fact that they were so similar in a lot of other ways, such as all their shared trauma that no one else could relate to. 

“You were too good for him anyway,” was the response he finally got. 

It was the response he most certainly was not expecting. Steve had been Captain America, the epitome of all things pure and right and honorable. Bucky had been something else. He did what he had to do to get by and protect himself and his team. There wasn’t a world where he was better than Steve. 

“What the hell?” Bucky asked. 

“You heard me,” Carol replies with a smile. 

“I’m not- there’s no way- what?”

“Listen, he broke your heart. He screwed you over. He hurt you, but you still keep saying all you wanted was for him to be happy. You accepted his decision. He wasn’t able to move on and accept anything, even after a decade had past, so he went back in time and stole everything from the person he claimed to love most. You already figured out that you wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize his happiness or the life he built; therefore, you are too good for him.”

Bucky wasn’t sure how he felt about the comparison between his feelings about Steve and Steve’s feelings for the love of his life. Sure, he was in love with Steve. He always had been, since he first learned what love was, but he never, ever told anyone. He supposed it was obvious enough to anyone who was close to him, but he had just met Carol, and he didn’t think he was that obvious. 

“When you say I’m too good for him, do you mean...”

Carol glanced over at him, easily understanding the question he was asking. “How many times do I have to keep telling you we’re similar? I’m gonna have to find a new word soon.”

“Answer the question, Danvers.”

“Alright, Barnes,” Carol said, laughing. “You fought for Steve, both literally and figuratively. You broke through brainwashing for him. Steve told me how you remembered him on that helicarrier. That’s love. No other word it. I’m sure none of the other Avengers noticed, but straight people tend to be kinda oblivious to that sorta thing. You’re in love with him, simple as that.”

“You’re still too good for him,” she quickly added.

When did I go from being completely emotionless and barely a person to an open fucking book, Bucky thought. 

Maybe it was better being an open book. Actually, it was definitely better. He liked, loved even, being able to talk about things like this with someone. It made his experiences feel so much more real. 

“You’re so lucky I had my sexuality crisis in the 1930s or I would be freaking out right now.”

“1930s, huh? And here I thought I was special for having mine in the ‘80s,” Carol joked. 

It was then that Bucky had remembered Carol mentioning a girlfriend that she hadn’t seen in a few decades. He wasn’t sure if it was his place to intrude, or if Carol was comfortable talking about the details of their relationship, but there was one question he was curious about.

“You said that you haven’t seen your girlfriend, Maria, I think you mentioned, in about 30 years. Did you not visit her when you came to find Thanos the first time, or was she-“ Bucky stopped there, not knowing what the most polite way to finish that question would be. No one was really sure how to talk about the snap or its aftermath. 

For most of the conversation, Bucky had been the one holding back tears, or just actually crying at some points, but that question was what caused Carol to tear up. He could see the drops forming on her lashes as he faced her. 

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer,” he started. 

Carol sniffled and wiped her eyes, replying, “That was the first thing I did after I got Fury’s call, go to Maria’s house. I figured that Fury hadn’t used to communicator I gave him in so long, so it must not have been that important, if nothing had happened so far. And even if it was important, I wanted to make sure she was safe first. So, I made a stop in Louisiana before I came to New York. 

“I could tell she was home, or she was supposed to be. Her car was parked out front, and the lights were on inside. So, I knocked on the door, nervous for what would happen when she opened it, only, she never did. So, I knocked again, still nothing. Before everything went down, she told me I could always come in, but it felt wrong then because I had been gone for so long. I didn’t want to intrude on the life I knew she had built for herself while I was in space. I knocked a final time, and at that point just assumed she was either asleep or ignoring me, so I left. Then I showed up at the compound and found out that half the population of the universe had turned to dust, and I just knew.

“From that moment, I wanted to do anything possible to bring her, and everyone else, back. I tried to get in touch with her daughter, Monica, but the reports coming in had said she was dusted, too. So, I didn’t see a reason to stick around, and I went back to space, only returning once I realized the Avengers had brought everyone back because I wanted to see Maria. Then, I found out about the battle and came to help, and now I’m about to go back to Louisiana to see the love of my life for the first time in almost 30 years, and I’m terrified,” Carol finished.

“Why?” Bucky asked. 

“Why what?”

“Why are you scared?”

“Because... because I haven’t seen her in a few decades, and I feel like we’re gonna realize we don’t fit into each other’s lives anymore, and I’m gonna be forced to realize that I’m the one who fucked everything up because I’m the one who disappeared for so long,” Carol admitted. 

It was weird having the conversation with Carol because it was the almost the exact discussion they had just had, only reversed. Carol left Maria, and Steve left Bucky. But there were some pretty big differences between the two situations. Carol had left to go save the world and help an alien race restore peace in their society, Steve left to go watch the burn and do absolutely nothing about it despite knowing everything that would go wrong over the time he was in the past. Carol had told Maria that she was leaving to go do this, Steve had left Bucky standing by the time machine without even a hint of what was to come. 

So, it was the same, but it was different in all the ways that mattered. 

“You’ve talking to her, right? She knows you’re coming?” Bucky questioned. 

Carol nodded. “I called her, after the funeral, and told her that I was back on Earth and wanted to see her, if she wanted to see me.”

“Then everything will work out. She wants to see you after all this time, so I’m sure she wants you back in her life.”

“I just feel like I disappointed her.”

“Why?”

“I was gone for so long because I thought I was doing the right thing. I was helping different species on other planets, which was great, but I did nothing about what was happening on Earth. I didn’t even know about it. I gave Fury the communicator in case of emergencies, but he never used it, so I assumed everything was going great, and I was just some freak accident for the planet that would never need to be worried about again. But I was wrong. It was my home, and I never came back. 

“I should’ve been here, when Thanos first attacked. Maybe, maybe if I had been able to help the Avengers from the start, none of this would’ve happened. After all, they were named after me. And I could’ve stopped it, and Maria, and everyone wouldn’t have been dusted. We wouldn’t have had to add five years to the amount of time we were apart.”

Bucky could tell that this wasn’t something Carol had just thought of over the time they had been talking. This was something she had spent a lot of time wondering about, probably over the course of the five years between the snap and its reversal, if not even longer. She blamed herself, when she wasn’t responsible for anything that had happened. 

“None of that was your fault. We fought, and we lost, and that’s on us. You had no way of knowing. And as for the Avengers, I’m positive that whatever you were doing in space was more important than what they were doing here. The first time I met them was when they were fighting each other in a fucking airport,” He told her.

That seemed to help somewhat. Carol clearly still felt like she should’ve done something to help on Earth, but it was true that there was no way for to have known about the fight until it was too late. It was unfortunate, but there was nothing she could’ve done at the time.

“I guess, I thought the only way I could be a hero was by staying away, but really, what I wanted to do, was stay here, with my family. And now I’ve lost so much time with Maria, and Monica’s an adult with a life of her own, and I missed everything.”

“Listen,” Bucky began. “I know what it’s like to lose time with the people you love. At this point, I think I might be a professional at it. But they aren’t gone forever, they’re still here. Yeah, you’ve missed a lot, but now you get to be with them. You can make new memories with them and have fun with them and just be with them, because they’re still around, and they still want you around. You can make up for lost time, and you will.”

Carol still had Maria; she would be seeing her sooner rather than later. Bucky knew how important that was after losing time. When he started remembering who he was, who James Buchanan Barnes had been, he had wanted nothing more than to make up for lost time with the people he cared about, but everyone he knew had been dead for years. His parents were gone, his sisters were gone, the Howling Commandos were gone. Everyone he had loved and cared about had died thinking he was dead, and he was never able to reconnect with them and find out about the lives they lived and the things they had done.

Everyone except Steve. Steve who was his everything. Steve who he couldn’t even be with because he was being hunted by every governmental agency in the United States as well as those of several other countries, along with the remnants of Hydra. Steve who had managed to find him against all odds. Steve who went on the run for him and done everything he could to save him. 

Steve who left and never even thought about coming back. Steve who was able to make up for lost time with Bucky’s family under the pretense that Bucky was lying dead in a ravine in the Alps. Steve who never told anyone that Bucky had survived the fall. Steve who spent decades letting Bucky be tortured so he wouldn’t inconvenience the life he had built for himself. 

“I hope so. I miss her so much. She’s the love of my life, and I don’t want to lose her again,” Carol said.

They sat in silence again, watching as the sun began to set overhead, turning the sky into a canvas of orange and pink. At some point in the conversation, they had both moved from sitting up to laying on the grass, staring at the clouds. Both of them were stuck in their own heads, thinking about the person they cared about most in the world, until Carol said, “Did you say they were fighting in an airport? Against each other?”

Bucky groaned at that, throwing both his arms over his eyes as he thought about the mess that had been dubbed the “civil war.” At first, he had thought it was his fault that Steve was going against his friends, then he found out about the Accords and realized the fight would’ve happened one way or another. It just so happened that it occurred in the most publicly embarrassing way for the team. “It’s a long story. There was a disagreement over some superhero law that turned into a disagreement over whether or not I should be locked up after I was framed for a bombing,” he explained.

“Um, I think I would like to hear more of this story,” Carol responded, slightly horrified but also very confused.

“It’s not really important anymore, but basically there was a document written after one of the Avengers’ battles that tried to turn them into a world police force, where they would only be allowed to fight if the government wanted them to. Steve, being Steve, disagreed, along with about half the team. On the day of the signing, this guy, Zemo, set off a bomb and made it look like I was responsible. I was arrested and brought into UN custody. Zemo had somehow snuck into the UN and was able to use these trigger words to turn me back into the Winter Soldier. I still don’t know how he even knew them, but it didn’t really matter. I fought most of the Avengers and tried to escape in a helicopter, but Steve stopped me, and we were officially on the run.”

Carol looked very intrigued as Bucky turned to look at her. He tried not to think about the events that followed too much, but if there was anyone he would going to talk to about it, other than a therapist, it was going to be the other person who had been forced to kill without knowing what she was doing.

He continued, “There was a base, in Siberia, where a bunch of other Winter Soldiers were kept. When Zemo used the trigger words, he asked me where they were, and I had no choice but to tell him. I told Steve, and Sam, and they called a few other people, and we were all going to try to go to Siberia to stop him. We only got as far as the airport when the people who had signed the Accords showed up. They tried to stop Steve and convince him to hand me over, but that wasn’t going to happen. There was a fight, a big one, I think the airport was completely destroyed by the time it was over, but me and Steve were the only ones from our side to escape.”

“What happened after?” Carol asked, sensing that it probably wasn’t great, based on the state of the team when she arrived. 

“That’s… complicated and also very subjective. Steve and I, we made it to Siberia, but one of the members from the opposing side had followed us-“

Carol interrupted, saying, “I know it was Steve’s side against Tony’s. You don’t have to keep it vague.”

Bucky wasn’t sure how she knew that. He assumed it meant something had probably happened when the two had reunited for the first time, but he wasn’t too concerned. “Stark showed up in Siberia; he said he was there as a friend, to help us. We walked into the main room at the base, where the other Winter Soldiers were kept, where I was kept. They still, they still had the chair in the middle of the room, the one that they used to wipe my memories. It was just sitting there, with no power.”

As soon as he had walked into that room, Bucky had known there would be nothing but trouble for him. Even thinking about the chair now, after all those years he spent away from it, made it harder for him to breathe as he remembered what it felt like and what it sounded like.

Carol could tell that it was getting harder for him to talk about. She softly said, “You don’t have to continue.”

Shaking his head, Bucky started talking again, mostly because he wanted to know her opinion on how Siberia had ended. “Anyway, the other Winter Soldiers were already dead when we got there. Zemo hadn’t cared about using them for anything. He just needed a way to lure us all there. What he really wanted was to divide the Avengers, but that was already on its way to happening without his interference. He had a tape, one he found in the base. It was surveillance footage of one of my missions, specifically the one where I was tasked with killing Howard and Maria Stark and making it look like an accident.”

Hearing Carol whisper, “Oh no,” Bucky continued.

“So, there was another fight. Tony trying to kill me. Me trying to get the hell out of there before he could. Steve trying to help me while reasoning with Stark. I, I tried to power down his suit at one point, and I got my arm blown off. It hurt a lot worse than the first time because of the burning metal that was still attached to me. I think I went into shock because I only realized the fight was still happening when I heard Steve talking. I grabbed Stark’s boot as a distraction and got kicked in the face, and that was the last thing I knew before Steve was picking me up off the ground and dropping his shield.”

“You know it wasn’t really your fault, right?” Carol asked quietly. “You had no control over whether or not you killed them or someone else. You didn’t know that you were helping the wrong side. Tony knew that.”

“Well, I was told to ‘respect the dead’ after showing up to a funeral in a bomber jacket and skinny jeans, so no further comment,” Bucky remarked. “I don’t blame him for trying to kill me. I don’t think the way he reacted was right, but I don’t think there is a right way to react to watching something like that.”

“Maybe, but that doesn’t excuse it. I think more guilt should be placed on someone trying to kill an innocent then someone who had no autonomy when they actually did something.”

Wanting to move on from the dark turn the conversation had taken, Bucky jokingly asked, “Do you actually believe that in my case or do you want it to be true in yours?”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re very good at evading things you don’t want to talk about?” 

“Like I said, sexuality crisis in the ‘30s. You learn really quickly had to avoid talking about things if it’s the difference between life and death,” Bucky responded.

“Did- did Steve know? That you’re gay?” Carol asked.

Bucky didn’t actually know the answer to that question. He had never told Steve, the thought of saying those words out loud at that time was far too scary of an idea to even consider pursuing, even if he knew Steve would’ve been fine with it. It wasn’t Steve he was scared of; it was the thought of someone else overhearing. So, he kept his secret to himself. It was the one thing that had remained his the entire time he was held by Hydra and the one thing that wasn’t released in the SHIELD data leak and the one thing no biographer would ever be able to print.

“I never told him, but I, I like to think he knew. I never wanted to keep anything from him, we knew everything about each other, so I always assumed, or well, hoped, that he had figured it out on his own. I couldn’t tell him though, it didn’t feel safe back then, and, and there just wasn’t a good time when we came back. Looking back now, I realized that maybe, maybe we should’ve been more honest with each other about some things, but I still like to think that knew me, the real me, before he left.”

Carol nodded in understanding, knowing what it was like to want to open about that with someone but being unable to because of societal norms and pressures, as well as fear.

“How did you know that I was gay?” Bucky asked curiously, realizing the conversation had never involved him coming out to her.

She grinned. “I had a theory, based on my own experiences. When Steve told me how you broke through the brainwashing after hearing him repeat something you had told him years earlier, that was a big clue. Then I came out here to talk to you and started calling him the love of your life and you never corrected me, so it was pretty easy to figure out.”

“I could’ve just assumed you meant it platonically.”

“Do you know any straight man that would be okay with me referring to his best friend as the love of his life in a completely platonic way?” Carol said. It was phrased as a question, but she definitely wasn’t asking it.

They both knew the answer. “Love of my life” was a pretty serious name, and one that straight men would definitely never be comfortable with using to refer to someone they only viewed as a friend.

“I guess you’re right. He was the love of my life though, I want to say he still is, but I, I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to move past what he did,” Bucky admitted.

“I don’t think you have to. It’s fine if you don’t forgive him for that. He’s an adult capable of making of his choices, and if he can’t deal with the consequences, that’s his problem.”

Bucky thought about that for a minute, knowing that she was right. He knew that Steve had probably thought long and hard about the decision he was making, at least he hoped he did. If Steve thought about it, that would mean he knew there was a chance that he would never see Bucky again once he went to the past, and he was fine with that. He didn’t care about maintaining the friendship he had fought so hard to preserve, and now it was Bucky’s turn to accept that. 

Which would be a hell of a lot easier if old Steve wasn’t hanging around, begging Bucky to talk to him. He had nothing to say to him. For Bucky, their friendship was over the second Steve decided that living in the past was more important than staying in the future.

“It’s just hard knowing that he chose to go back to the past, knowing that there was a good chance he would never see me again, and now that he’s here he thinks we can all just move on like nothing happened, like he’s still him.”

“Like you said, he made his choice, now it’s your turn to make yours. The only person that can decide whether or not you’re willing to move on and try to create a friendship with the person he’s become is you. And if you choose not to, he’ll have to accept that.”

There was something about the way she replied that reminded Bucky, again, of how similar they both were. They both had experience with not being able to make their own decisions in some capacity, and that was obvious in the way she framed her answer around the ability to choose. Bucky was also reminded that he still didn’t really know what had actually happened to Carol to turn her into the hero she had become.

“How, how did you end up here? As, you know…” Bucky trailed off, not really sure how to ask the question of her origin story.

“I guess it is only fair that you know my story since Steve told me yours,” Carol said, half smiling. “It all started when I joined the Air Force. I don’t even know why I did it, I didn’t agree with the military, but I just, I wanted to fly. And I guess it seemed like the best way to do that? Anyway, I was working at this base, Pegasus, that’s where I met Maria, and we had this mentor, Dr. Lawson. She was everything I wanted to be. It was the late ‘80s, so women still weren’t allowed to do much of anything, especially not in the military, but Lawson, Lawson was powerful and respected.

“One day, Maria and I showed up on base and Lawson was acting strange. She was panicked, and we had never seen her like that before. She was trying to take one of the planes up, but I told her I would fly it, if there were lives stake. Next thing I knew, there was a spaceship flying after us, and we were crashing. I was able to get us both out, and then, then she told me she was from another planet and she tried to shoot the engine, but the person who had been chasing after us shot her, and he killed her. I knew what I had to do, I had to destroy the engine, or else Lawson’s death would’ve meant nothing. So I did.”

“What happened then?” Bucky asked, feeling a sense of dread from Carol.

“Then, then there was a blast, and I was knocked out by it, but it gave me my powers. The people from the spaceship, the Kree, took me to their planet and convinced me I was one of them. Yon-Rogg, the man who shot Lawson, became my mentor, and I worked with the Kree to wipe out their enemy, the Skrulls. I didn’t know anything about them, but I didn’t know anything else about, well, anything so I did what they told me.

“On one mission, I was taken by some Skrulls, and they played around with my memories, and eventually I ended up on Earth because I thought they were trying to find Lawson’s engine. I met Nick, and he took me to Pegasus, where we found out Lawson was dead, and the engine was destroyed. The Skrulls came after us, but not before I found a picture of me, on Earth. I knew then that this was where I came from, I just didn’t know how. So, we went to Louisiana, and that’s when I reunited with Maria. She told me who I was, and I believed her, because I just, I just knew” Carol continued, smiling at the memory of their reunion.

“Anyway, after that, through some weird and complicated events, I found out that the Kree were mercilessly killing the Skrulls for not submitting to their rule and agreed to help them find an energy core. We went to Lawson’s space laboratory, where she was trying to take me when we crashed, and found the Tesseract. Before we could do anything else, the Kree found us and there was a fight. I was able to overpower the restraints they had put on me, and our team was able to win. Then we came back to Earth, I vowed to help the Skrulls find a home, and I left, but you already know what happened after that,” she concluded.

After she finished, the two of them took a moment to take everything in. Carol, remembering everything that happened to her and how that shaped her life into what it is today, and Bucky, thinking about how her experiences were a mirror of his own and how no one else should’ve had to go through something like that. Being kidnapped, having their memories tampered with, having their loved ones think they’re dead, being unwillingly turned into a super soldier for someone else’s benefit, having their true identity hidden from them, and being lied to about the true meaning of their work, it was all too familiar.

There was also the fact that the Tesseract had been what brought them both to where they were now. Bucky had been blasted off the train by a weapon propelled by its power, and Carol had been turned into a weapon by it.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Bucky said, and Carol could tell he meant it sincerely.

“I’m sorry that it happened too, but at least I was able to help the Skrulls live peacefully. I felt I owed them that, after everything.”

Bucky nodded, and they fell into silence again. The sun had almost completely set, and the sky was dark. There were a few stars twinkling in the distance, lighting up the night.

“One more question, then I have to leave. And you don’t have to answer, I’m just curious,” Carol said, sitting up.

“What is it?”

“Are you happy that you ended up in the future?”

Bucky closed his eyes. He knew the answer he should give, that people probably expected him to give, but he also knew the real answer. 

He knew he should say that being in the future was hard because despite society and technology being a lot more evolved than it had been in the ‘40s, the way he ended up here was terrible. He should say that going through all the torture and brainwashing wasn’t worth living in a time when there’s Internet. He should say that if he had died when he fell, there would be a lot of people that were still alive today because he was responsible for their murders.

Instead, he said, “Yeah, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.”

Because he was. He had been able to survive everything Hydra put him through. He was able to overcome it, and that meant something to him. He was happy in the 21st century. Even if he wasn’t with Steve, he was happy. He was happy because he was finally, finally able to be himself. He was able to love who he wanted without having to worry about what other people thought. He was able to be accepted by those around him. He could finally be Bucky without having to hide what that meant.

“I’m glad, you deserve it.”

After a few seconds, Carol stood up and began to walk away, saying, “I don’t know if or when I’m coming back, but if you ever want to talk, about anything, call me. We should have another club meeting, maybe with some snacks.”

“Thanks, Carol. It means a lot,” Bucky replied with a smile.

And so, Carol left, preparing to head to Louisiana to see Maria for the first time since she left all those years ago, hoping that they would be able to make up for lost time. 

Bucky stayed outside by the lake, staring up at the sky, hoping that good things and happiness would be on the horizon for him.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @avengercarol


End file.
